How Attachment Shapes Our Lives: Understanding Your Story, Your Relationships, and Your Healing

I wanted to share a little insight into how attachment comes about and how deeply it affects our relationships — with our children, parents, friends, peers, and later on, romantic partners.

Attachment is the emotional connection formed between caregiver and infant. It becomes the blueprint for how we relate to others throughout life. For some of us, that early connection was nurturing and secure. For others — myself included — it was disrupted, inconsistent, or painful.

And yet, attachment is not fixed. It can change. It can heal. It can grow.

 What Is Attachment?

We become securely attached when, in the mother–child relationship, the infant’s emotional needs are consistently met. When a caregiver is available, responsive, and attuned, the infant develops a deep internal sense of safety and confidence.

A secure attachment provides three essential roles:

• Safety and security

• Emotional regulation and soothing

• A secure base for exploration and joy

  
  

Around 55–65% of people develop secure attachment.

That means 35–45% of us grow up with insecure attachment, often because our early environment didn’t meet our emotional needs. This may include:

• caregiver illness

• separation

• domestic abuse

• addiction

• mental illness

• inconsistent care

• caregivers who themselves never experienced secure attachment

These experiences can interrupt the infant’s sense of safety, joy, and calm — creating patterns of anxiety, avoidance, or confusion that follow us into adulthood.

Attachment Begins Before Birth

Attachment doesn’t begin at birth - it begins in the womb. If a mother experiences calm, joy, and stability, the foetus often feels the same. If she experiences stress, fear, depression, domestic abuse, or illness, the foetus absorbs that too.

A baby can enter the world already carrying anxiety or distress that it cannot understand - only feel.

Birth complications, C‑sections, premature delivery, or early separation can also interrupt bonding, creating an insecure foundation from the very beginning.

How Life Experiences Shape Attachment

Attachment continues to evolve throughout childhood and adulthood. Events such as:

• separation

• bereavement

• bullying

• neglect

• abuse

• unstable caregiving

• relationship breakdowns

…can all shift a secure attachment into an insecure one. Likewise, with the right support, an insecure attachment can become more secure over time.

🌸 My Story

I was the result of an unplanned pregnancy to a young woman who wasn’t ready to be a mother. My father had experienced many adverse childhood experiences and wasn’t able to be a supportive partner.

I imagine my struggles began in the womb - my mother was unhappy, stressed, unsupported, perhaps depressed. I would have felt all of that.

After birth, I was partly cared for by hospital staff, which may have interrupted bonding. I was then taken into an environment marked by drinking, gambling, domestic abuse, and emotional instability. My mother was young, anxious, and overwhelmed. My father lacked the skills to parent.

Where did that leave me? Confused. Insecure. Unseen.

My coping mechanism became shutting down. I dissociated from feelings. I slept excessively. I learned early that my emotional needs were inconvenient. I grew up shy, clingy, nervous - always feeling different, always feeling wrong.

My attachment style became disorganised. I learned not to trust, not to expect, not to need.

Friendships were difficult. I never felt special to anyone. I was the quiet child in the background, unnoticed, unheard, terrified of being laughed at.

My step‑dad - the only real dad I had - tried to encourage me, but the damage was already done. I even blamed him for my struggles because I couldn’t understand why I felt so different, so disconnected and unattached.

Only after his passing did I begin to truly reflect. And I realised:

No one was to blame. I was a product of my circumstances. I simply never received help.

My attachment remained insecure into adulthood. It is only through personal therapy, training, and deep self‑understanding that I now feel secure - even though those old insecurities still whisper during times of stress.

I share this because there is hope. Healing is possible. Change is possible. You are not broken - you are shaped by what happened to you.

Why I Do This Work

My journey is the reason I am so passionate about offering others the chance to express, explore, and heal from their experiences.

Many of my clients benefit from experiencing a secure attachment within the therapeutic relationship - often for the first time. Over time, this increases self-worth, emotional regulation, and the ability to form healthier relationships outside therapy.

Parents can learn to build secure attachment with their children through play, attunement, and connection. Young people and adults can heal through consistent, safe, therapeutic relationships.

Attachment Styles (Simple Overview)

Secure Attachment

Low avoidance, low anxiety

• Feel loved and accepted

• Comfortable with closeness

• Trusting, emotionally regulated

Anxious–Preoccupied

Low avoidance, high anxiety

• Worry about being valued

• Need reassurance

• Fear abandonment

• Overthink relationships

Dismissive–Avoidant

High avoidance, low anxiety

• Highly independent

• Struggle to trust

• Hide feelings

• Prefer distance

• Cope alone

Fearful–Avoidant

High avoidance, high anxiety

• Desire closeness but fear it

• Feel helpless or unworthy

• Push–pull dynamics

• Difficulty regulating emotions

  
  

If you recognise yourself or your child in any of these patterns, you are not alone - and you don’t have to navigate this journey without support.

At Snakes and Ladders Therapy & Coaching, I offer a blend of;

• Therapeutic Counselling

• Mind Body Mastery

• The MAP Method

• Trauma- Informed Support for young people and adults

A secure therapeutic relationship can be the beginning of lifelong change.

If you feel ready to explore your attachment story and begin healing, I’m here to help.

Book a call